Overwhelmed, grateful and blessed

Gosh. Haven't posted in a while. Sorry. Life has been a bit too full for my taste. Instead of listing all the things that make my life so busy right now, I am writing about what is consuming my thought life.

I am blessed.

I had an idea of how blessed I am but I think I am more aware of it now. We often take things for granted even when we don't mean to. ...at least I do. Life is a giant, messy blur right now; too fast and crazy. More sleep is needed, the house is eternally cluttered and there are too many things on the back-burner. These things have bothered me for months and now they don't seem to matter as much.

Papa (Toby's dad) was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma last week (ish). I immediately felt overwhelmed with the familiar "freak-out" feeling. Both my parents have cancer, and I didn't want to revisit the initial feelings I had when I heard their news. There are no words that express the grief I went through before Papa's prognosis. There were several weeks of "unknown," worry, sleepless nights, humongous "lump in my throat" - "please don't touch me or I will burst into tears" moments. I felt like I needed to be strong. I felt like I couldn't let my kids see me cry because I couldn't tell them what was wrong because I didn't know. No one knew! I hated seeing my husband walk around in a daze. When Mom (Granny) told me the news of his prognosis, I locked my bedroom door and sat on my bed and cried for over 30 minutes. I was so relieved.

As much as I do not like that Papa has cancer, I am thankful it is a curable kind. Through this mess, I have learned how much I really care about him. I feel like I was reminded of the reasons I adore him because we feared we were losing him. I love how he loves my babies, his tickly mustache kisses, his heart-felt belly laugh. I love that he comes to my house, puts an empty mason jar in my hand and doesn't need to say anything...he just smiles because he knows I know he needs more salsa. We always have hazelnut coffee in the fridge because we know it's his favorite; we want to be prepared in case he wants to tell us one of his stories over a cup of coffee. We stop everything to hear them! He paints my daughter's toe nails and fingernails and has a drawer full of nail polish so she has a choice of color. He never misses special events for the kids. Granny and Papa are unique, beautiful and cherished people in my life.

Words cannot express my gratitude, God. I am overwhelmed at the blessing you gave me in them. I am so thankful that three people that I cherish and love have cancer and are still here. They are still laughing with me, loving on my children, reaching out to others and greatly effecting me and my family's life.

I cherish my momma, my daddy and Papa. I now know how much.